Becoming Assertive Like a Pro: A Comprehensive Checklist

I have a new goal in life, to be more assertive! Most of us passive folk, wish that we were more powerful, we want to be able to express our needs and set boundaries effectively. With that thought playing around my head, I knew it was time to compile a blog post to help myself and others become more assertive. Are you ready to try to be more assertive? 

Understanding What Assertiveness is

To become assertive, we must know what exactly being assertive means and what assertive is. While yes most of the time we know it's the opposite of passiveness and aggression, that really doesn't help someone if that's all that we know about assertiveness. To be assertive one must communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs respectfully and directly. We don't want to be aggressive and become hostile when we communicate, nor do we want to avoid conflict and ignore our own feelings and desires.  

If you're communicating clearly, able to communicate honestly and know how to set healthy boundaries, chances are they are already assertive. But those of us, like myself, are not able to do so, and happen to be passive, it's right where we want to be. It's our dream outcome, and while it sounds accessible to the assertive folk to, "Just be assertive," it isn't like that exactly. It takes work to become assertive! 

Find Out Your Communication Style

How exactly do you communicate? What are your communication patterns? It's time to take a step back and think about how you express yourself when you handle conflicts. I'm not talking about conflicts on social media that we all like to watch unfold, I'm talking bout in the real world. If you're trying to think of an example and are unsure about what kind of communicator you are, there's a quiz below to help you. 

Once you're aware of what kind of communicator you're more self-aware of your own thoughts and actions. And when you're more aware of your thoughts and emotions, you're able to grow and change your communication style. 

Time to Develop Confidence

Before we can be assertive, you need to develop confidence. That does mean we need to take a step back and challenge our thinking, if our self-talk isn't that kind, it's time to realize that we have confidence. We need to celebrate what steps we make, reinforce our belief in ourselves, and try to build a positive self-image in ourselves. We can only be assertive with confidence. 

Try Improving Your Active Listening Skills

Time to hone in on people's nonverbal cues when they're talking and use a little bit of active listening. Active listening a way to promote empathy for someone and helps with growing trust. Active listening is important to becoming assertive. Some way to learn to active listening is to paraphrase what someone is trying to say while nodding to indicate you understand and comprehend what they're saying. 


Along with active listening, there has to be some understanding of others' perspectives. It's equally as important to becoming assertive. Especially when it comes to problem-solving situations and being able to collaborate with others on their ideas. You can't possibly see eye to eye with someone and work things if you don't see what their point of view is.  

Expressing Yourself Clearly and Directly

Now we have confidence and are listening better. The next box to check off is learning how to express ourselves. Imagine getting to the point where you're able to say something like, "I understand your concern, but I have made my decision and I stand by it," or "I would like to contribute my ideas during this meeting. Can I have a chance to share?"  

When you're expressing your feelings remember to use "I" statements, and be specific. Let's pretend that you have a friend that isn't respecting your boundaries and it's bothering you. A passive person might say, "You're not respecting my boundaries. Please respect me." With the statement, your friend could assume that you're not wanting to be their friend anymore and may take the statement completely differently than what you were intending. But if you said something, like, "I value our friendship, but I need you to respect my boundaries." Your friend will understand that you care about them, while you're meeting your own needs and give you ownership of how you feel.

Set Some Healthy Boundaries

One huge thing that must be done to be assertive like a pro is to have some personal boundaries. We need to protect our emotional, physical, and mental well-being.  You should be treated as you think you should be treated. We're able to protect our autonomy and assert our needs if we have boundaries.

When you set your boundaries, be confident, use respectful body language and be calm. You need to be be clear and specific, especially when you're using your clear and direct body language. People need to know you mean business. Sometimes, things don't go the way you want them to when you try to set your boundaries, so be prepared and try to show your newly found assertiveness.

Practice Makes Perfect

The last point in this checklist is the scariest part of becoming assertive, at least in my point of view. It's practicing to be assertive. But after learning that I don't need to rush out and try my assertiveness everywhere and that it's okay to start slowly. A small step may be asking someone for help, or ordering food at a restaurant. 

Once we've mastered the low-risk baby tasks. Try increasing your assertiveness. Something like requesting a refund or alerting the restaurant that they had your order wrong. Each time you have a successful experience, it will boost your confidence, causing you to be more assertive. Push your boundaries little by little and eventually, it'll become easier. 

Conclusion

To be assertive, it's time to be confident, be direct, use our active listening skills and set some healthy boundaries. As scary as it might sound it'll be okay. You now have a check list that you're free to print out and put everywhere that you may need it. Because you know being assertive, shows confidence, and people listen to assertiveness.